The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Children of the corn 🌽
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-