If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
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I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
What do you hear?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.