If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
“I’m helping” 😅
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire