With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.