When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
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kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
This is my emotional support knife.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy