Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Who knew!
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.