[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I created you as mosquito food.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
there has never been a better use of this meme
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh