son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.