I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
This meal prepping shit easy
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.