If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.