[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
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[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
i spent way too long on this
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*