No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it