Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
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Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.