imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
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I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
You can’t outrun your problems…
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party