Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?