My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
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[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks