It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
me when i see my girls butt
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.