@Xeriland

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

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@ImSoFrancis

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

@neiltyson

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

@jzux

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

@RickAaron

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

@beefman138

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

@Brianhopecomedy

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

@fro_vo

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

@Heaterhotusus

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

@DamonHunzeker

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

@TheThomason

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”