@Xeriland

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

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@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@UncleDuke1969

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

@noog

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

@riot4rach

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

@CandyEmpires

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

@JimmerThatisAll

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.