@Xeriland

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

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@sarabethkay

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

@Shariv67

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

@The_Mentalyst

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

@kelkulus

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

@DirtyMelodies

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

@Jimboleem

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter