Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#NoRestForTheWicked

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

is nasa ok

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Nigella has gone too far this time.

Worlds greatest photobomb

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.