It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people