@Xeriland
@sarabethkay “What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
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@sarabethkay 
@shanethevein What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
@Shariv67 “I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
@The_Mentalyst Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
@kelkulus evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
@DirtyMelodies It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
@hunnywh0re …
@Jimboleem I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
@weinerdog4life Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
@OllyiConic kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter