I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
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As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?