*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
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If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?