FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Fiction has to make sense.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady