Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
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Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
When you let grandma cat sit
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.