Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs