I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
War & Peace
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.