90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.