Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
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Meow
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all