Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Cucumbers Anonymous
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.