Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
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Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter