My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
You Might Also Like
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Very good news from my accountant