Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Go girl power!
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Natty or not?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.