me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
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Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
#Caturday
Aaaa…CHOO!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁