[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
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You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”