[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
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ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?