Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
what?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?