I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
No Google it does not
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream