Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale