This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
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“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.