Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
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worchester
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.