ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
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Smells like a challenge to me
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.