Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
#damn
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”