Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
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Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
g
a
r
d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
peeping toms
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57