I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
You Might Also Like
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
this is the greatest thing ever
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?