That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
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6: are snakes just neck?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.