Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Ummm
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud