I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
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I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Good morning y’all ☀️