I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
the greatest twitter interaction
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i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.