Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
You Might Also Like
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet