Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Eat…
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name