just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
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*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
when someone rings the doorbell
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey