just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Try and stop me.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target