Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
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girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I get distracted pretty eas
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Ape together strong
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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