Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Guantanamo Bae
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.