“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
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This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?