When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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Monday
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.