me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
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In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug